Humbug

Lately life just isn't going my way at all. Almost every time I really want get together with a good friend something happens literally 5 minutes before I leave the house where they cancel. Even today I was looking forward to going sledding with a couple good friends and I get a text saying something came up and like that the hopefulness I had stored up all day just got crushed. The only good thing that has come out of the last like week is that I got 3 sweet tee's from Threadless today.

I'm not saying I'm mad that even when I see friends all I hear is how life is sucking for them as well, because I am all for listening. It just makes me sad that in this cheerful season that many are sad, including me. I even had to turn off the Christmas music I have been listening to because it wasn't making me cheerful at all. Had to make the switch to Sigur Rós.

So much just isn't wanting to go with me right now and hopefully it starts soon, because Christmas is going to suck if it doesn't.

Dang mate

Too Fake

Organization

So was cleaning up the room I work and game in and found some old things. Can't decide to throw some certain things out, they make me smile but also reminisce on the past which isn't always a good thing. I'm stuck at a cross roads.

Yet

I'm so grateful to have such good friends, thanks alot.
Love you guys lots

Sorry but your wrong.

You think I stopped thinking about you along time ago, I might of told myself that and believed it for a day, but lately I can't stop thinking about you. I try so hard to stop thinking about you but it is beyond me and beyond distraction. I tried doing a portrait of myself crying and I found that I've basically dried all my tears up from this, I even listened to our old song but even that didn't get me going. Even so I can stop thinking about you.

I don't know what to do, I just can't seem to stop it.

I can't get you out of my head.

I would wish to make more memories with you, just not memories of a being in a relationship, but friends. But that won't be for a long time, f I'm inpatient sometimes.

Funny how it happens

Well to me it is, how we meet new good friends out of broken relationships. How we are both good friends with the other's best friend. Well it makes me giggle (a soft giggle).

Was it worth it? Not at all, and neither were you.

Sleepless Sundays

Well since the semester has started I think I've only had 3 sunday nights where I've got more than 2 hours of sleep. Man I need to work out this habit and be more productive during the day.

Creative Time

Just happens to be between 2-4am, DEATH

0 to Mangina in 3 seconds.

I almost pee'd myself laughing when a girl in my class stated that line.

Why I hate clubbing (when you go for someone else that is)

Well went to my friends 18th last night and man I did not enjoy it for the first 4 hours until we left the club. It just made me feel so lonely and I just felt like leaving but would of felt bad if I did leave.
So until I plan not to go to another club until I'm in another relationship so that won't be for a while.

well the shit's hit the fan, i'm fucked

i feel like total shit and i don't know why
today was fun, hung out with some good friends but i just feel sick to my stomach about something that i just can't put my finger on

Mopey Mondays (well the weekend more like it but it just didn't ryhme)

I've just been feeling down lately and I miss quite a lot of friends and activities. I think it's because the people that need to hear the full story either haven't heard it yet or I just told them the summary of it to let them know and I know they don't know the entire story even when I know they deserve to know. It's been tearing at my heart that they don't know and some have even got mad because of it.

I'm sorry if I have bullshitted you with a cover of the story when you deserve the full thing, I feel that I have betrayed everyone's trust and its tearing up my insides because of it. I want to tell you the full story but I know it will only hurt you more, but it will clear up any confusion on my actions. Plus you have the right to know, but only if you want to know. I hope you do because it would clear up my heart as well.

I miss being in a relationship and it has already made me do some stupid things and I hope I don't act on that anymore. I just miss always having someone that I would see constantly, someone to make me truly smile. I didn't enter a relationship last year because of this same feeling and it was smart, because entering a relationship just for the sake of a relationship is by far one of the stupidest thing you can do to yourself and someone else. But then I did enter one and I'm glad it wasn't for the wrong reasons either, it was for happiness.

The worst thing so far is the regret and I try my best never to regret. There are a couple things that I'm regretting lately and to me that means I don't like who I am becoming right now. I know it's a really dangerous road to be going down but I hope I can be lead in the right direction soon.

Today did have it's highlights though, one of my best friends called be while I was printing and I wish I could of talked more but I feel like I needed to see him for that to happen. Plus I hate talking on the phone, I try and avoid doing so as often as I can. But I am so grateful and blessed to have friends like him, it makes my heart so warm knowing that someone is looking after me even if we hardly ever see each other.

I feel like I'm drowning myself in gaming lately as well, and way too much at that too. It's starting to affect my school work and right now that's the last thing I need. Since November 11 I've hit up about 3 1/2 days of the new call of duty, that is wayyyyy to much for my life and I feel like it's just helping me run away from the real world problems that are flowing into my head right now.

I even woke up today tired, after 9 hours of sleep as well! Shows just how much stress I am actually feeling right now, even my sleep is getting restless. I just feel like exploding, or running off to another country and just start a new life. I hate being stressed and not knowing how to deal with it.

Oh fuck.....

Totally just remembered about an online magazine that i'm making that's due in a week and a half that i have only done a couple hours of work on and we've had it for like 4 weeks. I have slacked off way too much on this project and I literally just lost it for a moment because I don't know if I can get it done in time now either. Oh man I am getting way to stressed out, I need help.....

Also being mopey the last couple days while working on little things here and there, don't really know why, but wish it would just leave.

Listening to Mogai's 2 Rights Make 1 Wrong and really loving it while not loving it because it's forcing me to relook my life as it stands right now and I don't really want to do that.

My baby's back!

I finally got my 50mm f1.4 back from repairs, oh how I have dearly missed it over the last month. I felt like a part of me was missing without it's super fast shutter speeds it kept on constantly turning out. My 50mm f2.5 Compact Macro was just not the same, not at all.

Just in time for the next nude shot I get to do on friday as well, got a friend driving in from Canmore to do this one and I'm pretty stoked to see how it turns out, hopefully so much better than the water one, don't think I can produce something as fantastic as the flour one again though.

I've been at peace lately and it feels great. School's going great now and the fun assignments are finally showing up. I have some really fun ideas that you'll be seeing turned into reality soon as well.

Stoked!!!!

Chilling to OneRepublic's new album still, I think I will be for the next couple weeks really. Oh man I'm just loving it. If you haven't heard it yet I def think you should go check it out, like now!

Lets Celebrate Personal Health Day

So today I used my one sick day that I could, where my teacher won't ask questions and give us a free day off. It's been great, I've sat in second cup, sipping warm apple cider all day and reading Harry Potter. Uploaded some photos from some weeks back that I had never got around too and trying to get my flickr account normal again.

I've been chilling to OneRepublic's new album Waking Up, still my favorite song by far is Secrets.
Check out the music video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vn4UMPD0_TE
(Sorry embedding has been disabled on both versions I found)

The love of going for coffee with a friend and not even drinking coffee

I've noticed lately I've been going to Second Cup or Starbucks with friends so much and I've been loving it. Just warming up with some hot apple cider (it's cheap too!) and catching up or crying with a friend about life. I feel like I've missed so much in the last half year after catching up with good ol' friends that I've strayed from after entering a relationship. I love you guys so much and just thought I let you guys know that.

The final goodbye

Yes I told you because I know it would let you move on from me, because you needed to move on from me. You have your own life and I'm not in any part of it anymore and this was the only way I could think of by telling you my mistake that you would move on. I know it was hard for you to hear it and I know it made you sad and mad at me but I feel that your feelings for me needed to come to an end, because the feelings I had for you had been cut off a while ago. I was willing to try being friends but it just seems like you won't be ready for that for along time, seeing how it was that we fought more out of the relationship than in, it was just not worth it. Now that this final goodbye has been said I am at total peace with myself and with you. It was such a fun time while it lasted but now it's time to finally move on, so goodbye.

I'm sorry I had to leave on such a sad moment but it had to be done.

Yes it was the biggest mistake I will ever make in life but I have to move on from it and learn to take the consequences from my actions. This road I've chosen will be hard as hell but it is very much needed. I do not regret what I did at all, I live with the mistakes I make because it will make me a better person in the end, heck life's not fun without the bumps along the way.



This song has been hitting me really hard and is well needed to listen to, it's off Switchfoot's new album 'Hello Hurricane' and the songs is called 'Mess of Me'

I am my own affliction
I am my own disease
There ain´t no drug that they could sell
No, there ain´t no drug to make me well

There ain't no drug
There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
It´s not enough
The sickness is myself

I've made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
The rest of my life alive!

We lock our souls in cages
inside these prison cells
It´s hard to free the ones you love
Ohh, when you can´t forgive yourself
Forgive yourself!

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
The sickness is myself

I've made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
The rest of my life alive!

AHHHHHHOOOOO!

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
No drugs to make me well
There ain´t no drug
It´s not enough
There ain't no drug
The sickness is myself
The sickness is myself

I've made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
The rest of my life aliiiive!

This Pain

This pain sucks so much, I feel like I could just go into my room and stay there for the rest of my life. I don't know how to deal with it at all. There's no point distracting myself anymore because it's not working and I have so much work to do. I've been running away way to much lately and it just hit me. It's like I'm running away from the sun, no matter how hard I try, it will be there in the morning. These secondary thoughts aren't helping either and I just want to punch a wall and hopefully the physical pain will drown out the emotional pain. I wonder stupid things that I shouldn't be worrying about anymore, the what if's, those stupid doubts in my head and my heart. Fuck I hate them so much (profanity required to show just how much hate I'm talking about.)

The best coldplay song ever, by far

Baby,
It's been a long time coming,
Such a long, long time.
And I can't stop running,
Such a long, long time.
Can you hear my heart beating?
Can you hear that sound?
Cause I can't help thinking
And I won't stop now

And then I looked up at the sun and I could see
Oh, the way that gravity pulls on you and me,
And then I looked up at the sky and saw the sun,
And the way that gravity pushes on everyone,
On everyone.

Baby,
When your wheels stop turning
And you feel let down
And it seems like troubles
have come all around
I can hear your heart beating,
I can hear that sound,
*but* I can't help thinking.
And I won't look now.

And then I looked up at the sun and I could see
Oh, the way that gravity pulls on you and me,
And then I looked up at the sky and saw the sun
And the way that gravity pushes on everyone
On everyone
On everyone

Smiling again.

Yah it's been a while now that I've been smiling quite a lot more lately, and I'm enjoying it.
I don't plan on stopping anytime soon.

Starting to Regret

I'm sorry for being selfish and thinking I could just do it on my own.

Open Your Eyes

This song is so hard to listen to right now, but whenever it comes on I realize that I want you so badly but I just can't open your eyes and see the way I do.

That just isn't my job, you can always come and ask.

No doors are locked here, you just have to be willing to open them.

It saddens me that I know you will only peak in, but never walk on through.

1st picture!!!!

So got my new baby, the new Canon EOS 7D, and unlike my XSi on which I didn't save the very first picture I took, I'm saving my first picture taken on my 7D.

So here it is, and ya def took it of me as well.

camera info: Canon 7D | 50mm(ƒ/2.5) | ƒ/2.5 | ISO 500 | 1/50s — Handheld

Yes it's hard

Today was a very big stepping stone for me, today was the day that you said those words:

"Hey. Sorry but I can't talk to you.
For awhile
maybe never"

Also today met the day that I closed your chat window on facebook for the first time in 7 months, it was hard but it was a good first step. This next while is going to be hard, but I'm thankful for my friends and I'm glad for them. I just wished that the people that mean the world to me lived a bit closer, maybe in the same city, not too much to ask now is it?

Yes it's hard, because for me knowing that we could still talk meant that we could still be friends, maybe not right now but in the future.

For me checking up on you to see how you were doing put myself at peace, because even though we aren't together I still care about you and it matters to me how my friends are doing.

I keep on thinking I'm ok but ever now and then I realize that I'm not ok, and feel horrible and then I feel even worse knowing that you are feeling just as bad.

I miss smiling all the time, even when no ones looking. I can count only 3 times since we ended that I can really say that I was truly smiling with all my heart and I was happy. But that was only because I was distracted from real life by the spur of the moment but I was glad.

I hate this and wish it didn't have to be like this, but because we are not of the same yoke it just can not happen. For later on in life I know I would not be really happy and would become lonely.

I'm sorry all the pain I caused you, and I wish I could do something to just get rid of it, in a moment. If there were a way I would do it, in a moment, no problem, but as I know that that one thing that needs to happen, won't, I need to learn to grow beyond this.

Why does learning have to hurt so much?

First!

So finally making a blog for just everything in my life. Let it be posting daily photo's, rants, or just some moping that i need to get out.

Enjoy.