To start it off, I was suppose to go to a info meeting on this marketing job based around the pyramid scheme, but on the way to the train station I remembered that I had lost a little foot clip for my flash last night. I knew approximately where it was and even though it's only like $12 to replace, it wouldn't hurt to go look for it for a second. When I found it (yay!), any part of me that wanted to go to that meeting to go learn more just disappeared. It was as it just melted away, almost like it was never there at all. It was just the strangest feeling. I then realized that I hadn't been wandering and just enjoying nature for myself in quite a while. For the last month basically, I've always been with a friend while adventuring. Not that I don't thoroughly love each and everyone of those adventures, I was always getting distracted while having conversations with them. So tonight I took to myself, I didn't have any set places I wanted to go, a time to be home by (although in bed before midnight would be nice). I just let myself go and my mind wander. I guess my brain needed a wander because it's been bombarded lately. I just haven't been giving it a rest as of late and it's been slowly eating me away from the inside.
Here is a 14 page text sent to a friend trying to describe how I felt this evening (context is that she asked why I didn't go to the meeting and after I found the flash shoe and I answered).
"Ya, but I ended up not going. I ended up just sitting (and still am) in babbling brook and reading The Screwtape Letters. It's a book by C.S. Lewis, my dad said it was a great read and it turns out to be quite interesting. Um I'm not entirely sure. I'm in a strange mood I guess right now. Not happy, yet not sad in any way. Or maybe it's a mixture of both. I don't really know how to put it into words. Like I felt something in me told me not to go. I felt like I needed to catch up with god I guess. It's all so strange. Like I want to drown out the sounds of the city and just scream and cry. But not in anger or sadness. Just to get old shit out and have room for more good. Like there's just a lot of shit that I just want to get out I guess. I don't know."
In the end I just got some time to think in a lovely little park in the middle of Canyon Meadows (it's a gem too). Walked home, stopped to watch the lightning storm for a bit, and turned up my ipod on this song.
I just was walking through communities while singing, not with an ounce of fear in my mind of what people would think. It was like the calm after the storm, but in my head. I was at peace. There is still much to get out, but it was a good start.
I see many good conversations coming up.
10 years ago
