I've just been feeling down lately and I miss quite a lot of friends and activities. I think it's because the people that need to hear the full story either haven't heard it yet or I just told them the summary of it to let them know and I know they don't know the entire story even when I know they deserve to know. It's been tearing at my heart that they don't know and some have even got mad because of it.
I'm sorry if I have bullshitted you with a cover of the story when you deserve the full thing, I feel that I have betrayed everyone's trust and its tearing up my insides because of it. I want to tell you the full story but I know it will only hurt you more, but it will clear up any confusion on my actions. Plus you have the right to know, but only if you want to know. I hope you do because it would clear up my heart as well.
I miss being in a relationship and it has already made me do some stupid things and I hope I don't act on that anymore. I just miss always having someone that I would see constantly, someone to make me truly smile. I didn't enter a relationship last year because of this same feeling and it was smart, because entering a relationship just for the sake of a relationship is by far one of the stupidest thing you can do to yourself and someone else. But then I did enter one and I'm glad it wasn't for the wrong reasons either, it was for happiness.
The worst thing so far is the regret and I try my best never to regret. There are a couple things that I'm regretting lately and to me that means I don't like who I am becoming right now. I know it's a really dangerous road to be going down but I hope I can be lead in the right direction soon.
Today did have it's highlights though, one of my best friends called be while I was printing and I wish I could of talked more but I feel like I needed to see him for that to happen. Plus I hate talking on the phone, I try and avoid doing so as often as I can. But I am so grateful and blessed to have friends like him, it makes my heart so warm knowing that someone is looking after me even if we hardly ever see each other.
I feel like I'm drowning myself in gaming lately as well, and way too much at that too. It's starting to affect my school work and right now that's the last thing I need. Since November 11 I've hit up about 3 1/2 days of the new call of duty, that is wayyyyy to much for my life and I feel like it's just helping me run away from the real world problems that are flowing into my head right now.
I even woke up today tired, after 9 hours of sleep as well! Shows just how much stress I am actually feeling right now, even my sleep is getting restless. I just feel like exploding, or running off to another country and just start a new life. I hate being stressed and not knowing how to deal with it.
10 years ago
Oh my Matty...hang in there. And know that I'll love you forever, no matter what. Seriously.
ReplyDeleteI don't know you. You are some random blogger who probably doesn't care what I think. But I'm going to say it anyways.It sounds as if you need to take control of your life, and your choices. I do not know your life or these regrets which you speak of, but I do know that you cannot sit around and hope to find this "right direction". You cannot merely hope that you will not act on thoughts, leading to stupid actions. You cannot only hope that the person you are becoming will get back on the right track, and that you will miraculously like yourself again. You need to take control, take action, and fix yourself. Only action, not hope, is capable of doing that.
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