The last year was a total roller coaster ride for me. I made some amazing memories with some of my best friends that I'm so grateful to have. Although when I look back on it and basically the rest of my life I can see what I was doing wrong. My priorities where never set straight and I had never made any real attempt to do so. In the process of that I had never talked to anyone about my priorities. I had many chances to do so with the people that meant the most to me, but since I had never talked to myself about these things I would of never brought it up with friends.
The things that defined who I was and who I wanted to be, I was almost too much of an optimist for my own good and thought I just wouldn't have to bring up these thoughts. I always thought that one day I would do it but only until near the end of last year, by it was already to late and I had gone down the path I never really planned on going down on. Yah I totally fucked up, but I feel like that was the push I needed. Yes it probably is extreme but when I think about it know I'm grateful and have no regrets on my actions. It was the spiritual 'kick in the pants' I needed to find out who I really am and will be.
Because of those actions I am already taking more actions to learn more about I need to learn about and one of the first things was to start reading a book by my favorite speaker and pastor (i wish he could go to my church, that would be sweet), Sex God by Rob Bell.
One of my favorite parts so far is in the first chapter in a section titled "When A "She" Becomes A "That". It was so powerful to me I got off the train (because I only read on the train because it's 30-40 minutes of just my time, no distractions) and sat on a hill at 5:30 after class and just laid there for 30 mins thinking, praying, and crying. If it wasn't so cold and getting dark I would of stayed for longer, and dinner was waiting for me at home. Bell starts of by talking about what happens when "a woman, an image-bearer, a carrier of the divine spark, becomes a "that"." He's talking about when a man looks a woman in a very shallow way, where he only looks on the outside and what he can get out of her and has no care for whats on the inside. That is a basic description of what looking Lustfully upon someone means. For myself, calling someone 'hot', just has always felt wrong. It's demoralizing to the person in question and even more hurting on the person who's saying it. You just look at the outside of them, and then judge them on that. With calling that you are hurting yourself in ways of that you significantly limit the people you could have a totally healthy relationship with. As the old saying goes 'You can't judge a book by it's cover', which is essentially what many men don't do when trying to meet someone at a bar or club. Which is why I hate going to clubs without a group of close friends, also the fact that no matter what you do it's just a waste of money.
Before this I had never really thought about lust in any manner and I would of probably said that I try not to do that anytime. When really slowly that feeling was creeping inside of me, building and building over the last year. I was never really aware of it until my closest and dearest friend April pointed out something major and has been one of the things that has shaken my life the most. It was that one time I did wrong, I had been doing it for a while. It had never occurred to me at all and I had planned to just never think about it or talk about it with anyone.
Well that plan failed miserably and I wouldn't have it any other way.
What my life was missing was that person that knew all my wrongs, someone that could hold them to me in only the most caring way that someone should. A true friend, one to hold me accountable, for the little and big things. Someone to smack some sense into me when I reflect upon the what-if's of the past when there is no possible hope.
Love you a frickin ton April and care about you even more, thanks for caring about me so much as well.
As an another friend put it "the only problem with that was you had to fuck up to realize who you are, which is fucked up in itself" which is entirely true. But you only realize that your doing wrong when your told what is right. I just had to fuck up big to make the big changes I need to help lead my life in the right direction, the direction that God wants me to go.
