Lately.

Well in the last 2 weeks I've been trying to get a blog post done, as you can plainly see, it hasn't been finished. I don't know, maybe once school starts again, I'll start blogging. There's just too much to write about I guess. I'm sorry for the let down.

I'd rather explain my life, struggles, and issues at the moment over some tim's, wouldn't you?

So go ahead and ask me, I'll make some plans with you friendly people.
(If you're out of the city, we can plan a skype date, ok?)

Video work to come.

I'm planning to do some video work during the rest of the summer. Now that my 365 is wrapping up, I'll need to put my time into something else creative. Now that I have some 'L' glass, that also helps too. Going to Sylvan Lake on sunday and I plan on shooting quite alot there, well mostly on the way up. I'm excited as I haven't really shot video for video's sake, well, like ever.

Reckoning Day, well actually just the evening.

To start it off, I was suppose to go to a info meeting on this marketing job based around the pyramid scheme, but on the way to the train station I remembered that I had lost a little foot clip for my flash last night. I knew approximately where it was and even though it's only like $12 to replace, it wouldn't hurt to go look for it for a second. When I found it (yay!), any part of me that wanted to go to that meeting to go learn more just disappeared. It was as it just melted away, almost like it was never there at all. It was just the strangest feeling. I then realized that I hadn't been wandering and just enjoying nature for myself in quite a while. For the last month basically, I've always been with a friend while adventuring. Not that I don't thoroughly love each and everyone of those adventures, I was always getting distracted while having conversations with them. So tonight I took to myself, I didn't have any set places I wanted to go, a time to be home by (although in bed before midnight would be nice). I just let myself go and my mind wander. I guess my brain needed a wander because it's been bombarded lately. I just haven't been giving it a rest as of late and it's been slowly eating me away from the inside.

Here is a 14 page text sent to a friend trying to describe how I felt this evening (context is that she asked why I didn't go to the meeting and after I found the flash shoe and I answered).
"Ya, but I ended up not going. I ended up just sitting (and still am) in babbling brook and reading The Screwtape Letters. It's a book by C.S. Lewis, my dad said it was a great read and it turns out to be quite interesting. Um I'm not entirely sure. I'm in a strange mood I guess right now. Not happy, yet not sad in any way. Or maybe it's a mixture of both. I don't really know how to put it into words. Like I felt something in me told me not to go. I felt like I needed to catch up with god I guess. It's all so strange. Like I want to drown out the sounds of the city and just scream and cry. But not in anger or sadness. Just to get old  shit out and have room for more good. Like there's just a lot of shit that I just want to get out I guess. I don't know."

In the end I just got some time to think in a lovely little park in the middle of Canyon Meadows (it's a gem too). Walked home, stopped to watch the lightning storm for a bit, and turned up my ipod on this song.

I just was walking through communities while singing, not with an ounce of fear in my mind of what people would think. It was like the calm after the storm, but in my head. I was at peace. There is still much to get out, but it was a good start.

I see many good conversations coming up.

Skeleton Bones

John Mark McMillan - Skeleton Bones from john mark mcmillan on Vimeo.

In Guatemala

Well it's almost the end of day 4 here, day 3 in Guatemala (the first day was spent traveling and in Mexico City). I have been doing a daily journal for you guys to read though, but have been unable to type it up here because of how long I am planning to make them. There is just so much I want to talk about, luckily I have brough my journal with me and make lists for each day. The first 2 days I get back (minimum of 2), I will lock myself in my room and all that I will do is edit photos and write a blog for each day of my trip.

We have a team blog which you may follow us to see what we do each day (my photos will not be included since the laptops here can't read RAW format and I'm not sinking so low as to shoot jpgs). Although I will be sharing many stories to you guys that would not be included on the blog, for a number of reasons (we've conducted a saying "what happens in Guatemala, stays in Guatemala")

The Blog is:
http://sites.google.com/site/bbcguatemala2010/project-updates

I have taken around 850 pictures on my normal guy, shot around 100 in film (which I am beyond excited about, you will have to wait to see why), and 300 on my really old digi (time lapses). I'm really glad I picked up that 32gb card, other wise I would of been swamped.  Have only 401 shots left on it, and have a maximum of around 1000 after I fill up this card (I have a 16gb and 8gb card left).

The children are so cute, and someone may have to beat me when we leave, seeing how I will try and bring one of them with me. It's just an incredible experience, and I have decided that I will dedicate much of my life towards these kind of amazing journeys. This one blows my other Mexico trip out of the water, no contest. One thing I do know, is this feeling, it is really what I am meant to do. This is my calling, this is what I am meant to do in my life, no doubt about it. I've always sorta felt that way, but it's just a feeling that you can't deny, you can't argue against it, this is the total truth. The is the way to my happiness in the grand scheme.

I'm online for like 10-30mins a day so if you see me online say hi, I would love to chat to some lovely people. Oh and by the way, there is no time difference between here and Calgary, many people think there is, but nope.

Well I'm going to get back to this 25+ degree weather (even when it rains!).

feeling

This is the feeling that made me lie to you
This is the feeling that made me cheat on you
This is the feeling that made me break up with you
This is the feeling that made me do the stupidest things I’ve ever done with you
This is the feeling that made me want to be more
This is the feeling that made me understand you less
This is the feeling that made me want to be by your side
This is the feeling that made me sleep with you
This is the feeling that made me want to punch you in the face
This is the feeling that made me want to be a better friend
This is the feeling that made me understand myself more
I tend to hate this feeling, but this feeling has made me learn much about myself

listening to: Boxer - The White Feathers
feeling: an ocean of emotion

I lay awake, my mind racing.
I can't fall asleep, for I can't get you out of my head.

I can't get many thing out of my head.
I am being overflown with thoughts,
Of the past, the present, and the future.
The doors have opened and the water is rushing in.


I am scared, unsure.
Maybe I'm not good enough,
That I can't bear your burden with you.
If I'm can't, I will hurt you, as I have hurt others,
I don't know if I can handle that again.

I look all around me, my walls are covered with pain.
As I look through my past, I see all the brokenness.
It's all coming back, my greatest fear turns out to be what I'm best at.