Mopey Mondays (well the weekend more like it but it just didn't ryhme)

I've just been feeling down lately and I miss quite a lot of friends and activities. I think it's because the people that need to hear the full story either haven't heard it yet or I just told them the summary of it to let them know and I know they don't know the entire story even when I know they deserve to know. It's been tearing at my heart that they don't know and some have even got mad because of it.

I'm sorry if I have bullshitted you with a cover of the story when you deserve the full thing, I feel that I have betrayed everyone's trust and its tearing up my insides because of it. I want to tell you the full story but I know it will only hurt you more, but it will clear up any confusion on my actions. Plus you have the right to know, but only if you want to know. I hope you do because it would clear up my heart as well.

I miss being in a relationship and it has already made me do some stupid things and I hope I don't act on that anymore. I just miss always having someone that I would see constantly, someone to make me truly smile. I didn't enter a relationship last year because of this same feeling and it was smart, because entering a relationship just for the sake of a relationship is by far one of the stupidest thing you can do to yourself and someone else. But then I did enter one and I'm glad it wasn't for the wrong reasons either, it was for happiness.

The worst thing so far is the regret and I try my best never to regret. There are a couple things that I'm regretting lately and to me that means I don't like who I am becoming right now. I know it's a really dangerous road to be going down but I hope I can be lead in the right direction soon.

Today did have it's highlights though, one of my best friends called be while I was printing and I wish I could of talked more but I feel like I needed to see him for that to happen. Plus I hate talking on the phone, I try and avoid doing so as often as I can. But I am so grateful and blessed to have friends like him, it makes my heart so warm knowing that someone is looking after me even if we hardly ever see each other.

I feel like I'm drowning myself in gaming lately as well, and way too much at that too. It's starting to affect my school work and right now that's the last thing I need. Since November 11 I've hit up about 3 1/2 days of the new call of duty, that is wayyyyy to much for my life and I feel like it's just helping me run away from the real world problems that are flowing into my head right now.

I even woke up today tired, after 9 hours of sleep as well! Shows just how much stress I am actually feeling right now, even my sleep is getting restless. I just feel like exploding, or running off to another country and just start a new life. I hate being stressed and not knowing how to deal with it.

Oh fuck.....

Totally just remembered about an online magazine that i'm making that's due in a week and a half that i have only done a couple hours of work on and we've had it for like 4 weeks. I have slacked off way too much on this project and I literally just lost it for a moment because I don't know if I can get it done in time now either. Oh man I am getting way to stressed out, I need help.....

Also being mopey the last couple days while working on little things here and there, don't really know why, but wish it would just leave.

Listening to Mogai's 2 Rights Make 1 Wrong and really loving it while not loving it because it's forcing me to relook my life as it stands right now and I don't really want to do that.

My baby's back!

I finally got my 50mm f1.4 back from repairs, oh how I have dearly missed it over the last month. I felt like a part of me was missing without it's super fast shutter speeds it kept on constantly turning out. My 50mm f2.5 Compact Macro was just not the same, not at all.

Just in time for the next nude shot I get to do on friday as well, got a friend driving in from Canmore to do this one and I'm pretty stoked to see how it turns out, hopefully so much better than the water one, don't think I can produce something as fantastic as the flour one again though.

I've been at peace lately and it feels great. School's going great now and the fun assignments are finally showing up. I have some really fun ideas that you'll be seeing turned into reality soon as well.

Stoked!!!!

Chilling to OneRepublic's new album still, I think I will be for the next couple weeks really. Oh man I'm just loving it. If you haven't heard it yet I def think you should go check it out, like now!

Lets Celebrate Personal Health Day

So today I used my one sick day that I could, where my teacher won't ask questions and give us a free day off. It's been great, I've sat in second cup, sipping warm apple cider all day and reading Harry Potter. Uploaded some photos from some weeks back that I had never got around too and trying to get my flickr account normal again.

I've been chilling to OneRepublic's new album Waking Up, still my favorite song by far is Secrets.
Check out the music video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vn4UMPD0_TE
(Sorry embedding has been disabled on both versions I found)

The love of going for coffee with a friend and not even drinking coffee

I've noticed lately I've been going to Second Cup or Starbucks with friends so much and I've been loving it. Just warming up with some hot apple cider (it's cheap too!) and catching up or crying with a friend about life. I feel like I've missed so much in the last half year after catching up with good ol' friends that I've strayed from after entering a relationship. I love you guys so much and just thought I let you guys know that.

The final goodbye

Yes I told you because I know it would let you move on from me, because you needed to move on from me. You have your own life and I'm not in any part of it anymore and this was the only way I could think of by telling you my mistake that you would move on. I know it was hard for you to hear it and I know it made you sad and mad at me but I feel that your feelings for me needed to come to an end, because the feelings I had for you had been cut off a while ago. I was willing to try being friends but it just seems like you won't be ready for that for along time, seeing how it was that we fought more out of the relationship than in, it was just not worth it. Now that this final goodbye has been said I am at total peace with myself and with you. It was such a fun time while it lasted but now it's time to finally move on, so goodbye.

I'm sorry I had to leave on such a sad moment but it had to be done.

Yes it was the biggest mistake I will ever make in life but I have to move on from it and learn to take the consequences from my actions. This road I've chosen will be hard as hell but it is very much needed. I do not regret what I did at all, I live with the mistakes I make because it will make me a better person in the end, heck life's not fun without the bumps along the way.



This song has been hitting me really hard and is well needed to listen to, it's off Switchfoot's new album 'Hello Hurricane' and the songs is called 'Mess of Me'

I am my own affliction
I am my own disease
There ain´t no drug that they could sell
No, there ain´t no drug to make me well

There ain't no drug
There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
It´s not enough
The sickness is myself

I've made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
The rest of my life alive!

We lock our souls in cages
inside these prison cells
It´s hard to free the ones you love
Ohh, when you can´t forgive yourself
Forgive yourself!

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
The sickness is myself

I've made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
The rest of my life alive!

AHHHHHHOOOOO!

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
No drugs to make me well
There ain´t no drug
It´s not enough
There ain't no drug
The sickness is myself
The sickness is myself

I've made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
The rest of my life aliiiive!

This Pain

This pain sucks so much, I feel like I could just go into my room and stay there for the rest of my life. I don't know how to deal with it at all. There's no point distracting myself anymore because it's not working and I have so much work to do. I've been running away way to much lately and it just hit me. It's like I'm running away from the sun, no matter how hard I try, it will be there in the morning. These secondary thoughts aren't helping either and I just want to punch a wall and hopefully the physical pain will drown out the emotional pain. I wonder stupid things that I shouldn't be worrying about anymore, the what if's, those stupid doubts in my head and my heart. Fuck I hate them so much (profanity required to show just how much hate I'm talking about.)